


and it's something i try to forget

by when_in_doubt



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mostly Dialogue, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, alternate universe where jake had really bad depression growing up, attempted suicide, i want to hold jake tbh, jake does most of the talking, medication overdose, no worries kids he doesnt actually do it, past depression, secret telling, teenage depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-09 12:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10412346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/when_in_doubt/pseuds/when_in_doubt
Summary: "Tell me a secret you've never told anyone else."A simple question, but it sticks with Jake for longer than he'd have liked.[ Slight AU where Jake was diagnosed with depression in high school. Set around season four ]





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a drabble I did where I basically project myself onto Jake for the hundredth time. Fair warnings: Jake talks about depression and an almost-suicide attempt. I hope you enjoy!

Twenty seven. That's how many ceiling tiles there are above the bed, that Jake can see, anyway.

They're in bed that Tuesday night, Amy fast asleep, but Jake lays awake, staring into darkness. Their conversation from earlier replays on loop in his head.

_"Tell me a secret you've never told anyone before."_

Amy had asked it with a playful smile, and he had made a joke about preferring Orangina to orange soda, and she had tossed the dish towel at him with a laugh and they changed the topic. But now, at two in the morning, he can't help but ponder the question more deeply.

Of course, he knew in the pit of his stomach what the real answer was, the secret he's kept even more from himself, let alone anyone else. The secret had never left his lips before, but now it weighed heavy in the back of his throat, clawing to get out into the world.

Taking a deep breath, he rolls onto his side, looks at Amy's sleeping face. So content, so at peace. He gently moves a strand of hair away from in front of her eye, tucking it lightly behind her ear.

His lips begin to move without his permission, the silence in the room broken with a soft whisper, one he can only just hear himself. "When I was in high school, I got diagnosed with really bad depression. Like, really bad. Because y'know, my brain is great like that. Only Gina knows about that."

He pauses, studies her face again. It hasn't moved since he spoke, still deep asleep. He watches her for a moment, counting the breaths she takes. Jake's glad she's such a heavy sleeper. His lips start moving again.

"What Gina doesn't know is it got so bad they put me on medication, which I was obviously not a fan of, and I kept shouting that if they gave it to me, I wouldn't take them, that I'd just flush them down the toilet. So the doctors gave the meds to my mom and she hid them in her room, and every night she'd give me one and make sure I'd actually take it."

Jake adjusts himself, moving his arm under his pillow to prop his head up. "And… What no one knows is that one day I found them in my mom's room. And I took them into the bathroom with me and I locked the door and I sat on the ground and…"

Jake's voice was beginning to shake, even as a whisper. He swallowed, closing his eyes for a moment before going on.

"And I sat there, for a long time. Just staring at the pill bottle and thinking, opening and closing the cap and looking at all the pills inside, a-and… I just thought that I could just, be done with it, y'know? But I knew I couldn't actually do it, I couldn't do that to my mom. But I sat there and I kept telling myself to put the cap back on and get up and put it back in my mom's room and go to my own room and just take a nap before mom came home but I couldn't get up."

He pauses again, thinking back to that day. How old had he been? Surely not any older than sixteen, it was just the start of sophomore year.

"Everyone had been telling me to just take things one step at a time, y'know, so I tried that. I told myself, just close the bottle. But when I went to move my arm to put the cap back on, I brought the bottle up to my lips instead."

Amy's nose twitches in her sleep but she doesn't wake up. Jake's throat feels raw, suddenly, and his eyes are stinging as he tries to blink back the wetness. He clears his throat as quietly as he can. He's managed this much, he might as well see the story out.

"I mean, obviously it all works out in the end, cause you're not sleeping in an empty bed, right? But, uh…" Jake pauses, fingers playing with a loose string from the pillow case. "I didn't even realize what was happening until I tasted the pills. I spit them out immediately, dropped the bottle, but it freaked me out so badly. I just remember thinking how easy it was, h-how I wasn't even trying to but…"

His hands are starting to shake now, and his throat has become pure sandpaper. He blinked hard, hoping the push the tears back but it frees them instead, falling down the side of his face and onto the pillow. He rubs his eyes roughly with his free hand. So stupid…

"I put the pills back in the bottle, closed the cap and put it back in my mom's room. And I went upstairs and I stared at my ceiling for longer than I want to admit until my mom came home and called me down for dinner. I… I stopped complaining about taking my meds after that."

And there it was, out in the world, hanging around him like a heavy fog, yet his chest felt lighter. It felt weird, having finally told the story out loud for the first time, but he was okay. Jake closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before pressing his lips to Amy's forehead. "I love you."

Her eyes stay closed, but her lips part lightly as she murmurs back "So much."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I know Jake doesn't do emotions well in cannon, but I think he's done better with them since being with Amy, plus you know he'd talk to her while she's sleeping and then say he told her when she brings it up later. I'll leave it up to interpretation whether Amy's awake or talking in her sleep at the end. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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